I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often