Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

---

anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too