I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Perfect
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain