I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I am crying
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
emergency phone