I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Bike is short for Bichael.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.