I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems