I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My purse is deeper than some people.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.