I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
🙀🙀🙀😹
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn