Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.