I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.