I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Did a trash talking tree write this?
