I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Did I do this right
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s the weekend y’all
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?