I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
this is the best day of my life
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…