Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.