Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.