Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.