I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
perfect
