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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Am I having a stroke?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this