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I think this might be relevant today.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.