i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
What about a To-Don’t List?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.