I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
New favorite tiktok
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
i’m laughing very hard in real life
lol
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
they finally got him. they got macavity
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house