Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

s
o

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ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.