Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.