I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*