Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5