I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.