I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Too easy.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
buys donuts instead
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.