Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

😬

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.