Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Nice try, NASA

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.