Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

Feels like there should be a middle ground

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?