Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.