Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”