Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat