I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route