I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
groan^2
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
liiiiiiiiike
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea