Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I’d love this…lol

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”