I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Unimpressed
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*