I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Damn he played himself
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap