I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.