I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
absolutely not
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]