Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

*Inspirational Tweets*