Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

You’re the water to my grease fire.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.