Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever