Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

When I laugh on my period

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

💀😭

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020