I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Windows
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
More like Kate Missington.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.