Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

making my dog give me my pills

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.