Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

trivia

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*