I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
You Might Also Like
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.