I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
if you relate to me, get some help
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
