I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
こいつ天才
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
not for long
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
