I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
When you have to use a public restroom.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Saw your ex at the shops
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.