I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.