@ItsAndyRyan

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

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@wescraw

The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.

@Iwriteforcats

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

@LawrWard

Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

@Tmoney68

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers