I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

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The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.


1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –


Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.


Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.


Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second


My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”


A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.


Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive


My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”


“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers