I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I think I’ll stand
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.