Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.