Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

😂😂

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier