I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
You Might Also Like
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me when I’m ovulating
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[eulogy]
line?