I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??