I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts