Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.