I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
How times have changed.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
dutch is not a serious language
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
