I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.