I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien