I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?