I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Truly one of the great bangers
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.