I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Mission: Impossible
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.