I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now