Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m confused about plants

what are they serving at kfc then???

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

A Match(.com), but for socks.