i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Ha.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.