I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.