I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.