I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”