Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

figuring out my emotional availability:

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him